It had been quite a while since I had thought of many of the memories I shared with the class Wednesday. I found myself thinking about a lot of the bad memories I recalled. Then my mind shifted to all of the good memories. I appreciated all of my memories bad and good because all of these helped make me the man I am today. I am determined to become an educator and involved parent. I learned to appreciate all of the influences in my life, positive and other wise. I learned to embrace the positive and what to avoid in the negative. I learned a lot about myself and a bit more about my loved ones and why they were capable of some things an not so much of other things.
The memory I would like to elaborate more on is the “Cry” memory. The memory that made me cry all over again was the first time my mother ever told me that she loved me. I was eighteen and had just been in an automobile accident. The vehicle was totaled and almost crushed. I was hit by a drunk driver. My mother arrived at the scene after I was transported to the hospital. By the looks of the car she feared that I was actually injured more than I was. I did sustain a broken left femur and a concussion but otherwise I was fine. When she arrived at the hospital she was expecting the worst. She was allowed to enter the ER to see me. She was relieved to only see me in traction from the left leg. I apologized for wrecking the car. She smiled and said not to worry about it. She held me tight and whispered in my ear “I love you, mijo”. “Don’t ever scare me like that again”. I said I was sorry. I didn’t even realize that it was the first time she had ever said she loved me until repeating that story to my fiancé.
Not ever remembering my mother saying those three little words got me thinking. Did she never say it because she never felt it? I do remember her saying it to my other siblings from time to time. I was always a loving, caring and compassionate child to my mother and other family members. I did my best to make my mother proud of me to get acknowledgement. I always worked hard at school and did more than my share of the household chores. What was I not doing right? I know my mother cared about me. She fed me, clothed me, and I always had what I needed, in terms of tangible needs. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong.
Then I began to think of it from my mother’s perspective. Maybe she just couldn’t figure out how to tell me that she loves me. She had no trouble telling my siblings she loved them. Still, I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. So I just asked her, “Mom why did you never tell me you loved me before.”
She told me, “You always seemed so strong and hardly needed to be told what to do.” She also said, “You never needed encouragement to get your work done, you just did it.” She told me that my siblings needed far more encouragement and guidance than I did. She said she was always proud of my drive but didn’t understand where I got it. I then told her that all I ever wanted was for her to be proud of me. She was and I just didn’t know it because she didn’t know how to or if she should tell me.
I’m not taking any chances. I tell my boys every day how much I love them and how proud the make me. I never miss an opportunity to show them affection and guidance. My mother did teach me the importance of showing your children love and encouragement. Thank Mom, I love you too.
